Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
