Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
