I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
