If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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