just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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