I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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