if you like me you must not know who I am
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
sex in a hospital.. check
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
