I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I just found puke in my bra..
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
