at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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