does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
