Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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