just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize