I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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