Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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