I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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