god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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