i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
how does that bad decision feel?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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