in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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