someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
