You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
