The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Randomize
