Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
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