At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
