just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
