I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The Olympian is in my bed
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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