there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
