I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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