yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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