You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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