I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
