Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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