i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
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I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
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When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
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