I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Randomize
