Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
