i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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