Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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