I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
