life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
