i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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