I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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