I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Randomize
