Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
