Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
