she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
