I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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