There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
