On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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