Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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