Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Everclear isn't food dammit
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
