Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
