When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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