god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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