Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Randomize
