If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
