no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
