Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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