Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
